That Drifting Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Past Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a selection of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to bafflingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that left us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this love/hate follow-up? Plagued with dreadful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third season began, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then arrived an installment all about Seemaâs natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the final series. It concluded on a low point; the lingering shot of Mirandaâs toilet flooded with poo was simply too symbolic. Yet, fans certainly found joy picking apart every single âwtf?â episode. And as Carrie â a single woman once more â twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didnât release a little sob?
Allâs Fair
âIs Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.â
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon no-star review, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The hilariously wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing veneration of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Acting so poor they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say âeach and every oneâ and forget about this series again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so weâre probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and fatherly shortcomings, itâs fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that youâd truly have gleaned it from this multi-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheenâs various episodes of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Iris Affair
Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises â or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer admiration for its leads ⊠but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One barely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe ⊠in super slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters meeting in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didnât endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively enraged commentators, itâs almost easy to admire the Duchess of Sussexâs televised ventures into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to admit that actually, they might have a point. Itâs like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting âtipsâ youâll forget instantly. All underpinned by vast, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series chose not to say them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her âmiserable cowâ image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon â except even camper, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: itâs still too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something far greater than it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be âunevenâ.
Given the smart recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didnât land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke milked to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We admire the star ⊠but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart heâs on the verge of a discovery that could destabilise society? No! This international thriller about government agencies targeting â and killing off â intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for sexual exploits as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater examination of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.